Unconditional Love

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More often than not, when we hear the word love, we instantaneously link it to romantic feelings. The feeling of seeing your crushes, hanging out with the guy/girl that you're attracted to, having a date with your boyfriend/girlfriend, spending quality time with your husband/wife or having a magical moment with anyone who is special to us. But are these really its meaning?

When I met my husband,  I had just recovered from a heartbreak. I was in an on-off long distance relationship with this guy for almost 4 years. Skype was a necessity to me during those days. One day we're happy, one day we're not and one day he will just give up and leave. Our first break up was 1 week, Second was about 4 months, Third was 3 months and finally, the last break up. I can say that he was the very first guy that I took seriously and loved 100%. 

I exerted so much effort to balance my time. Juggled between doing my nursing stuff and talking to him in skype at the same time. There was even a time that I was doing multiple works including his. I really have invested so much for the relationship to work to the point that I lost myself.

All the sleepless nights due to studying, the hours of driving and being stuck in traffic just to get to school, the countless hours of analyzing a case,  everything that I worked hard for to get good grades to make my dad proud, all gone in just a snap when I decided to quit just right before the finals. I distanced myself from everyone including my group mates. I went on an EMO mode. I quit because I wanted to give up. I don't felt like studying anymore. I felt useless, unwanted, rejected and alone.

But contrary to rumors that time, I was never suicidal. I just felt like I don't want to do anything. I do not want to function. I don't feel hungry at all. Tried my best to eat at least 3 spoonfuls but I just couldn't. I tried to sleep but kept on tossing and turning. Night time was the worst for me. It was the usual time for me to self pity and bargain.  I locked myself in the bathroom numerous times and spent hours there crying like a little girl.

That was one of the darkest days of my entire life.  But guess who was there for me? The person who never left me? No one else but my Dad. I never expected that he, who is the strictest of the strictest, who is feared by many, the disciplinarian who annoyingly calls me at midnight to scold me to go home whenever I'm out, the person who makes me as his shock absorber everytime he is furious, will be my number 1 shoulder to cry on. He taught me a lot of things and made me realize my worth as a person. He cheered me up whenever he sensed that I'm feeling down.  He took me on foodtrips, He tagged me along on his business travels. He brought me to shopping and the most unforgettable was he sang a song for me on stage in front of countless people just to make me happy.  I felt better so after half a year of being a bum, I enrolled again, went back to school, picked up where I left off and started anew. He's my hero. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be even close to where I am now.

But after all the things he has done for me, I became a bad daughter at some point. The goody-two-shoes Jackie/Jing-Jing, who would always follow whatever her dad says have turned into a demon. She became reckless and disrespected her father. But despite of it all, her father has never forsaken her and continued to love her when she least deserves it.

I will be forever regretful of all the pain and headache I caused him. Some people say that I was the reason why he had a stroke. It could be true. But all I know is, several weeks before it happened, I am thankful enough that we had the chance to sit down and talk about our rift. He told me how much he loves me and finally approved to accord the withheld freedom that I've been longing for. That was the most open and most serious talk I'd ever had with him. I told him everything that I've been keeping in my heart ever since I was little. He understood where I was coming from. He told me a lot  of things as well that I'd rather keep to myself to steer clear of any highbrows. To finally talk to my father about the things that I'd never imagine I could was priceless.

So now, if you will ask me about the meaning of love, I won't answer it by the definition of romance anymore. Love is not selfish. It should be given without asking anything in return. It should be given without any limitation or any condition. It has no boundaries and unchanging. Because for me, Love is unconditional.

There is a sudden poignance of torment whenever I ponder about unconditional love because there is only one person that pops into my mind and that is my one and only PAPA Jun. 

Laterz.